I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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