I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
