thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
