I will die if light touches me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
