so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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