I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
