I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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