I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
