i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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