Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have demons in me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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