I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
