Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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