Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Randomize
