Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
