and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
