Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
