he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
