How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
