So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
