It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
