i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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