i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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