i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
