I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
