i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
