Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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