so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
