The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
