im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
