She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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