you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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