I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I fill condoms, not promises.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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