I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
