I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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