now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
