He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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