Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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