I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
