Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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