new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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