and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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