im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
