my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
