like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
