I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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