remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
