Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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