I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
