Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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