So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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