Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
