Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
