Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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