i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
