I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
