Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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