totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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